on the wing.

phew.



I was wrong.

That's the moral of this chapter.

Don't get me wrong, it was beautiful- he's beautiful, but I look back at my words from over 2 months ago, and I'm just struck by the stupidity of them.

I make of myself a martyr, albeit prodigal in my choices about giving pieces of myself away. For some reason, even if I can clearly see that he just doesn't want to be with me, I continue to throw little bits of my heart at him, hoping he'll change his mind, hoping he'll have that miraculous moment of epiphany. And then, well, and then, it just doesn't happen. So the fire burns, and the ash falls.

My heart is not a fishing lure.

My heart is not a bargaining tool.

My heart is not expendable.

Boys are snow. They coat every inch of everything. Stunningly, Breath-Taking-Away-ly. They cloud your vision, make it easy to fall. There's way more accidents when they're around. But it's amazing, it's a wonder and a gift straight from God.

But the snow can melt, and when it does, you're gonna be left with your little patch of brown dirt and grass. And you sure as hell better learn to love it, play in it, get messy, find beauty in it, because that's all you've really got.

I'm certainly going to give it my best.

to my hey stephen:

taylor swift it so, so right about you.

listen to invisible, stay beautiful, you belong with me, beautiful eyes, untouchable, jump then fall, and superstar, then you'll know my heart.


i wish i was the girl that i hope you're going to find someday.

star-tripping

"There is something beautiful about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He is doing. (They hang there, the stars, like notes on a page of music, free-form verse, silent mysteries swirling in the blue like jazz.) And as I lay there, it occurred to me that God is up there somewhere. Of course, I had always known He was, but this time I felt it, I realized it, the way a person realizes they are hungry or thirsty. The knowledge of God seeped out of my brain and into my heart."


I love the stars.

Not only are they pretty and sparkly- I love anything pretty and sparkly, but they make me my heart want to burst. I saw 5 shooting stars Saturday night; FIVE! How ridiculous is that? I'd only seen one before. I think that stars are there to send us the message that we're not alone and that God is with us. It's terribly ironic that they can be seen the least in big cities where that message needs to be heard the most. But this past weekend I spent on the eastern shore I could see and hear that message loud and clear.

God is working in many mysterious ways in my life, and even though I don't like all of them, I have faith in Romans 8:28. This year is going to change me; I know it and I can feel it in my bones. I am best-friendless till Christmas (thanks Michigan), boy-less, and have all these beautiful, strong-hearted girls looking to me for wisdom. It's hard not to feel alone when there are times when I just don't fit. I ache for a shining, clueless, happy, and lovely boy. He is my grilled cheese sandwich: my comfort food, my happy place, my guilty pleasure, and weakness all in one. It's a struggle to choose not to find my identity in these things, but in my creator. I may not know where I'm going, but I love the one who is leading. And with 5 shooting stars, I was reminded he loves me more than I can ever understand. I am not alone, nor will I ever be alone.

So, God, it's not like I can send you 5 shooting stars back, but that doesn't even matter. My heart is enough for you. Thank you Thank you Thank you for that x infinity.